Life Goes On…

Lately I have been reminded of how I tend to leave things with people. The person doing the reminding is not really in my life anymore and I am just wondering why they have to remind me in the first place. I am of the mindset, that it did not work, we had our time and now it is time to move on. I certainly have and I am happy and all the more better for it. The thing about this that kind of pisses me off a bit is that I was in this person’s life for a number of years and they did not see fit to keep me or make me feel welcome there, so as I said things ended and I’ve moved on and it is time for them to do so as well.

I wish them no ill will, but it is time to get your big boy underoos on and be a man for once. I am tired of always hearing how it was always someone else’s fault that you did not get what you thought you deserved or how your mom messed you up. Cause in my mind, we all have our issues and it is time to rise above them as best as we can and MOVE ON. You are in your 40’s now it is time to grow up for once and quit acting like a child. Child times are over and done with.

Having said all this won’t change a thing, I know. Nothing will change in this person’s life and I know that I got all the blame for the relationship or what ever it was at the end ( cause, it was not a relationship in my mind, it was two people who knew it was not gonna work but too lazy or afraid to change it). That is fine with me. I don’t care if you told everyone you know it was my fault. I am happy now and living the life I was meant to live. So, my friend, here is some unsolicited advice, life goes on, and so should we.

Tired & Happy

Well, I made it through the two weeks without my Army Boy. Honestly did not think I would come out the other side of this better than when I started, but sometimes life plays tricks on us like that. He is due home sometime today and I am just hanging out at the house waiting. I missed him so much and I did not think I had it in me to get through this. These days, I find that I am stronger and better than I ever thought I would be. Is that because of him, partially. But it is because of me mostly. He gives me the confidence to go out and be who I am with no apologies. I like that. I like that a lot.

I have also found that I have courage that I never ever thought I would ever have. He does not ask me to change or try to make me. He loves me even on my worst days. Even when I am a total bitch to him, he still rubs my feet. I have never had that kind of love before. That is how I know that no  matter what happens he will be by my side and I know he supports me. He may not like what I do, but he is there when it goes to hell for me.

He may get on my nerves sometimes with his stupid jokes and I would not have it any other way. We have our issues like any other couple, but the difference is between what was before and what I have now, is that we talk about those issues and work through them. I am happy. I am loved. I know this beyond doubt. He is the first person that I want to tell anything to. He is the last thing I think about before I go to sleep every night. He keeps me grounded and lets me be crazy all at the same time.

I am happy he will be home tonight and I am in love with him. I can’t wait to see him! Gotta run to do some things. Ciao!

End In Sight

Army Boy will be home tomorrow sometime and I am so happy about that! Apparently we both have been having the same issues with him being away. Which I guess is a good thing. So, today is prep day for the welcome home dinner. I have to start making the twice baked potatoes and make the pineapple upside down cake. I also have to make the marinade for the steaks and get them in it overnight. There is also some other minor housework to be done. Honestly, this would all be not such a big deal if I did not have this migraine still. It’s like someone is stabbing me in the temple with an ice pick and not stopping. Ugh. I am going to have to take more meds for it again, just to get it to ease off so I can get this stuff done today.

The weather here was nasty last night. High winds, horrible storms. I think we have more of that in store for today as well. I am not sure but I think that we lost power briefly last night as well. I fell asleep early again which is why I am up at 6:33am EST posting this. I would give anything to sleep normally again. Hopefully tomorrow night that can be accomplished!

Okay, well I need to go take some meds now and hope they work at least some. Ciao!

The Saga Continues

So this morning Army Boy has to take a PT test. Now, if you remember I mentioned his knee was messed up and he had been on a profile that did no good for 3 days. A normal person would say, okay you can walk during the PT test so you don’t hurt yourself even more. However, the Army is not like that. He has to run in his PT test. RUN on a bad knee. After they knew it was hurt. Now, he is going to start the process to get into the VA for medical and such for him, however that might take months or even years to get done.

This is frustrating to say the very least when dealing with all this crap. I can see ways that they need to fix things, but I know because of what it is, it is never that easy. I hate sitting here and seeing all this crap when it would be so easy to just say, okay, we will get your knee fixed up.

I am so tired this morning. I have not been sleeping well again and I know it will be over soon. I have some stuff to finish today before Army Boy gets home. I am however, ready for him to be home for sure. I know he is ready to be home too. Well gotta run.. Ciao!

Yesterday/Today

I have had such a horrible migraine for the last 3 days now that I can barely do anything at all. I have so much to get done in the next three days before Army Boy gets back home, that I am not sure I will get it all done in time honestly. Yesterday I honestly fell asleep at 2pm. I slept until Army Boy called me at 10:30 last night because apparently he had been calling/texting all day and could not get hold of me. He was worried about me, when I answered I could hear the relief in his voice. He was probably just short of calling the cops to come and check on me.

I literally slept from 2pm to 10:30, after I talked to him I went back to sleep woke up at 1am to turn off the TV and slept until 5am. Now I can’t sleep but I still have this damn migraine. Sigh. Well, I am going to go try and find something eat. Ciao.

Rain, Rain Go Away…

Not that I really care because I did not have anything planned outside anyway. I have five days until Army Boy comes home. So, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel for sure. He and I have been chatting via text messages and phone calls since last Tuesday. Which helps me a lot with the separation. I can hear in his voice he is ready to come home too. Apparently they made a big deal out of how much he sleeps there. Like made him give blood big deal. Honestly, when he is  home, he does not sleep a ton. I think it is because he is bored there. He does not have his computer there, it is here with me at the house. He can’t really do much but hang out because they finally figured out he was not lying about his knee.

Let me explain that last statement a bit. Before he left the active duty Army, one day for PT they made him play basketball. He did not want to because he knew he might hurt his knee again and that is exactly what happened. He hurt his knee. He went to the sick hall and they put him on a profile saying that he can not run. They put him on pool PT as well. None of this helped. They did X-rays but never did an MRI on his knee. Basically the Army said, well he is getting out soon, we don’t have to do anything to help him.

So, when he got to Kentucky, in November 2012, he has been telling them that his knee is messed up bad. He failed two PT tests because of it. You would think that they would have been like, oh he has not failed a PT test in a very long time, maybe something is wrong here. No. They did not. So, here we are in May 2013 and the Army just now realized that he was hurt! So, in their wisdom, they put him on a three day profile of no PT. Yeah, that was 3 days ago and he has five more days to go. Sigh.

So, back to the blood work. Because they were freaking out because he was sleeping a lot! Well, they messed up his internal clock. He is bored. I would sleep all the time too! Anyway, I am happy that he is coming home soon. So, this week is going to be spent cleaning and doing laundry. The weather is perfect for this today, I have laundry going and the dishwasher running right now. I am very tired, I am not sleeping well at all. I finally fell asleep at like 3am, forgot to turn off the ringer on my phone and someone texted me and woke me up. Sigh. I finally fell asleep again at 5am and something woke me up at 10:30am. So, honestly we have skidded right past tired and slid head long into exhausted. I am going to attempt a nap soon. Although the FedEx guy is supposed to be here today with Army Boy’s new charger for his iPod. Sigh. I think the ink will be here Monday. Which is good.

I am also in the process of putting together another cooking blog. Moving recipes from the old one to the new one. I am almost done there I think. I made hot wings for lunch and they were delish! Not sure what is for dinner now. I might just order out. Not sure yet. It would be easier than actually cooking tonight. I feel like crap today. Well, I am going to run, got lots to do! Ciao!

Life is Full of Surprises!

When I woke today I was not expecting to have an email conversation with John, my ex. Not only was I not expecting to have this conversation, I was not expecting it to normal. See, for the last seven years we have done this kind of ‘dance’. He will email or call (right now he can only email me) and be nice for about a week or two until he gets to the point of asking me to come back and when I say no, he gets mad. For the next two weeks or so, he is angry in his emails. Then after that, it is silence for a usually undetermined amount of time, usually ranging from six months to a year. I guess it depends on how mad I have made him.

I dread these confrontations because I know what is going to happen every time. And right with that sentence is where I deviate from the path. I guess I let our past color how I see him. Okay, no guessing I do. Big time. The relationship that we had, of course had good times and bad times. It always seemed that the bad outweighed the good and when I could not stand it anymore, I left.

Since I left, he has been bitter and angry and he has every right to be because I was not innocent in all of this. I am to blame for our bad times too. The difference between us is, I am willing to take my blame and accept it. He was not at the time. He seems to be finally moving in that direction. It will take some time for me to say that he has actually done it because we have been here before as well.

Although today we were able to have a conversation in about 20 emails and not once was he bitter or angry, so that is progress made. I still won’t go back, but I would at least like to have a decent relationship with the guy. He was in my life for over 10 years. He is the father of my children. I struggle with letting him change because for so long he has not. It seems like he has, but it lasts for a short time then he is back to what he was. I learned the hard way that bitterness just consumes you and you have to learn to let it go.

Now when I think of him, I do not hate him. I do not harbor resentment, I don’t have any bitterness. I just feel sad for him mostly. Because he has let himself be consumed with anger and bitterness. We spoke about this today and because I did not want to push my luck too far, it was a short conversation. We spoke about my mother, who seems to not have changed one bit in seven years. Not that I think that she would, I had hoped.

I continue to pray for them both. It seems to have been working for John, but not my mother. I won’t stop praying for her or him, but I will not expose myself to their toxicity either. I have come too far to go back now. It was nice to be able to talk to John for once. Usually we end up fighting, but not today. Maybe he is changing. I hope so. Well, I am gonna run for now. Ciao!