So Much Going On In My Head

Sometimes the reason behind my not being able to sleep is that I can’t get my brain to shut off. Although the last few days that has not been the case. I just don’t sleep well when my Army Boy is not around. He will be home tomorrow morning early! Yay! I have a special dinner planned for us and I can’t wait to see his face. I wish that I could say that is the only thing going on in my head today, but I would be lying and well, it would defeat the purpose of this blog and my life to lie to myself.

Today is my daughter’s birthday. The daughter that hates me because she listened to some things that other people told her that were honestly no business of hers. See, the thing is, the person who told her did it on purpose. Without getting into too many details, basically, she was told about things before she was born and when she was a baby that were said and done. Some of it not by me, but was attributed to me anyway. She asked me about it and I answered as much as I was willing to at that time, because honestly she was like 12 and I felt that she did not need to know some of that stuff. When I said that, she got mad and told me that I was lying and she knew the ‘truth’. Well, as we all know ‘truth’ is in the eye of the beholder.

She has not spoken to me since then, well except to call me names and such. While it hurt me, and still does, I had to let it go and move on. I am hoping that when the time comes and she wants to know the TRUTH, she will ask me. Until then, I wait. I am not sure if she will ever want to know the TRUTH or if what she was told she has accepted as the total truth. It has been hard on me today, but I am trying to move forward and get through this day with grace. Sometimes not the easiest thing for me to do. I love her and I can not force her to listen to me or believe me or even love me for that matter. So I wait.

Well, I gotta run, still have some stuff to finish up cleaning wise before my Army Boy gets home. Ciao!

Pregnant

P.R.E.G.N.A.N.T. those letters put together the scariest word of all. My Army Boy is being amazing and he is thrilled to be a dad. For me, this is a scary time. I am scared of losing the baby. I am scared of being a bad mom. I am scared of so many things. In so many ways this is like a second chance for me to be what I know I am. I am a good person, I can be a good mom, I know I can. Now I have that chance and I am worried about messing up my kid. I am worried that I will not be what I think I am.

Raising a child is a big deal to me. I have two kids who hate me right now because I did what I thought was right for all of us. This is my second chance to be the mom I know I can be. The mom that I know I am. Fear can help me not make the mistakes that I have made before, but it can also paralyze me. My Army Boy will be a great dad for sure. I know that he will help me and be there. I have been praying because I know that with God I can do this. I am scared. I am worried. These will help me.

Well, I am going to run, Ciao!

Love Is

Before I met my Army Boy, I never really understood what love was. Getting to know him was the first time I discovered that I had never been in love with anyone. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true. Life is so much better for me these days. People used to tell me that I would one day be happy and I would understand true happiness. I used to laugh and say that I was not made to be happy. But I was and I am. I now understand what those people were trying to tell me.

I grew up in less that ideal circumstances, I have spoken about that as well. But I have found that I have risen above that. I am pregnant and I am happy about that. Looking forward to the second chance this is giving me. My chance to prove that I am a good mom, no matter what anyone thinks of me. People who know the situation with me and my kids in Florida, don’t understand how hard it is on me. How I wish it was different. But I have to play the hand that was dealt to me for now. Yes, some of it is my doing and I have to live with that every single day. I would never say that I am not responsible for my share of that situation, but I did what I did for the good of the kids.

Some people may not agree and some people may look down on me, but walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me on what you think I feel. I don’t always wear my feelings or emotions on my sleeve because sometimes it is just too painful. So, I may be smiling but inside is a different story. No one can judge me but God. I will answer for my sins and misdeeds then. I try to do right, sometimes it is hard. No one said life would be easy I suppose and mine has not been. It has gotten easier lately and I found my happiness finally. Do I have regrets and sorrows? Yeah, I do. A lot of them, but I have to keep moving forward with life.

I am loving my life and I am in love with my Army Boy. I am happy. I never thought I would say those words and mean them. But I do mean them.