When I woke today I was not expecting to have an email conversation with John, my ex. Not only was I not expecting to have this conversation, I was not expecting it to normal. See, for the last seven years we have done this kind of ‘dance’. He will email or call (right now he can only email me) and be nice for about a week or two until he gets to the point of asking me to come back and when I say no, he gets mad. For the next two weeks or so, he is angry in his emails. Then after that, it is silence for a usually undetermined amount of time, usually ranging from six months to a year. I guess it depends on how mad I have made him.
I dread these confrontations because I know what is going to happen every time. And right with that sentence is where I deviate from the path. I guess I let our past color how I see him. Okay, no guessing I do. Big time. The relationship that we had, of course had good times and bad times. It always seemed that the bad outweighed the good and when I could not stand it anymore, I left.
Since I left, he has been bitter and angry and he has every right to be because I was not innocent in all of this. I am to blame for our bad times too. The difference between us is, I am willing to take my blame and accept it. He was not at the time. He seems to be finally moving in that direction. It will take some time for me to say that he has actually done it because we have been here before as well.
Although today we were able to have a conversation in about 20 emails and not once was he bitter or angry, so that is progress made. I still won’t go back, but I would at least like to have a decent relationship with the guy. He was in my life for over 10 years. He is the father of my children. I struggle with letting him change because for so long he has not. It seems like he has, but it lasts for a short time then he is back to what he was. I learned the hard way that bitterness just consumes you and you have to learn to let it go.
Now when I think of him, I do not hate him. I do not harbor resentment, I don’t have any bitterness. I just feel sad for him mostly. Because he has let himself be consumed with anger and bitterness. We spoke about this today and because I did not want to push my luck too far, it was a short conversation. We spoke about my mother, who seems to not have changed one bit in seven years. Not that I think that she would, I had hoped.
I continue to pray for them both. It seems to have been working for John, but not my mother. I won’t stop praying for her or him, but I will not expose myself to their toxicity either. I have come too far to go back now. It was nice to be able to talk to John for once. Usually we end up fighting, but not today. Maybe he is changing. I hope so. Well, I am gonna run for now. Ciao!