Life is Good but Hard

Lately the Army Boy and I have been having serious money issues, the kind of issues that have eviction notices attached to them. These issues did not come about because we have not been paying out bills, but because the employment ran out and we had to file another claim, which of course takes time and them we could not claim the first check until the 14th when our rent is due on the 7th at the very latest. So, these last seven days have been incredibly stressful, add to that the fact that we were almost out of food and where we live he makes too much money claiming unemployment to qualify for food stamps. It has been a rough seven days for us. I have been praying non stop because honestly the way it works is  that the first check is only for one week instead of two. So we were looking at $360 and it would not cover the rent. We applied for one time help from the Housing Authority here, but have not heard anything. That would be a one time check of $250, so with the partial unemployment, it would have caught us up with the rent.

Glory to God, today we got the unemployment money and it was for two weeks! So, we paid the rent outright and are totally caught up with some money left over. He called the Unemployment office to be sure that it was not a mistake and honestly I was kind of freaking out praying that it was NOT a mistake. Apparently it was not. So since we had to borrow some money from his parents for food, we will be okay. Thank God!

Life is good again and I am happy again and no stress. We are back on track. Army Boy goes to pick his classes on Monday and starts school the 21st. Wal-Mart is talking to him about a job, so hopefully it will all work out and we will be squared away! Well, I gotta run make a small grocery list. Ciao!

Life and Another Year

Today is my Army Boy’s birthday. He is 35 today. I am so grateful that I am lucky enough to be able to spend it with him and spend my life with him. We have been talking about getting married and honestly I am thrilled about that. He is so very special and wonderful to me and for me.

So, today handsome, I hope that you have a good day and that your future is so bright and full of love. We have had our problems in the past and we got through them because we cared and loved each other enough to work through the problems to get to the good times again.

My life has been so wonderful since we met and even more so since we have started living together. So, happy birthday my love and I hope we get to spend many many more together.

I love you so very much.

Is it Karma?

So, I just found out that my ex in Michigan is about to be evicted. I am not sure exactly how I feel about this piece of information. I do know that I am worried for the cat we had however. She is very sweet and does not deserve this. I wish that I was closer because I would go and grab her for sure!

While my relationship with him is more of ambivalent than anything else. I do kind of feel badly for him. Our relationship had run it’s course quickly but neither of us wanting to admit it I think. I am happy to be where I am now and with who I am. I was trying to be a good person and left the electric on when I left because I knew he could not get it in his name. Now, I am wondering if I did the right thing by doing that. I know the last bill was $169.00 and I am wondering if I will be stuck with that when I was trying to be nice. Sigh.

I guess that time will tell with that. I should not have done it, I know.. But I was trying to be amicable with our split because it was ugly enough with the fact that I had to call the cops before I left because he was being a jerk. I was not trying to be a bitch or anything, but he was being a jerk and his behavior was out of control.

Well, I need to run! Ciao!

Life Happens

If you are a friend of mine on FB, on my personal page that is, not the game page, yesterday you saw that I posted that I was pissed off. I am still mad, but not as much now. I wish I could share the story with you, but I had best not until we see how it shakes out. It has to do with Army Boy and his unit and some things that happened at AT. Let me be clear, or as clear as I can be without telling the whole story. Army Boy did NOTHING wrong. I am not mad at HIM at all.

Okay, so that is all I can say about that right now. Life is good still. Just really tired lately. Thinking that I might be pregnant again. I have to make an appointment at the doctor, I called and they can’t see me until next week, which is fine because Army Boy has an medical appointment at the VA tomorrow.

First of all, I lost the baby that I was speaking about in the entry here. I know that a lot of you may not have known that and I did not share publicly for sure about that. I am okay. It was disappointing and I was sad, but I know it was not in the Plan for that moment. So, we moved on, and now here we are again. We are both are cautiously happy.

I have been playing WoW a lot with Army Boy and it has been fun. This last weekend ( the one that just past) was a Drill weekend for him, so he had a couple of early mornings. Apparently there was supposed to be a Family Day, but they decided to change the date and did not bother to tell anyone. I actually did not go because I was not feeling well, but it would have been annoying to have gone and oh yeah, we changed the date.

Communication is not one of the strong suits apparently. I am trying to stay healthy because I usually get sick in the summer time. It is a battle for me right now. I am taking my vitamins and all that. I even got some Ensure to drink on those days that I don’t eat so healthy. We need to go shopping this week.

Well, I am going to run.. I am so tired! Ciao!

My Foray into Technology

I believe that I am reasonably smart when it comes to technology and using my lap top. This is a story about how one woman wants to get rid of AOL off her computer, but it just won’t go away.

The other day, it was decided that I needed to clean up my lap top some. I play WoW (World of Warcraft) a lot and I have begun to have some issues with how quickly my computer works and freezing, especially in battles. So, I started with taking all the non essential things off my lap top and I put AOL into that category because, I can check AOL mail on my browser with no issues. Only, it did not leave my computer a couple of days ago. So now I am trying to get it off my computer. I hate letting it scan for other versions because it takes forever and there should be no other versions because I had just downloaded it, never updated it.

So, as I write this, it is scanning for other versions that should not exist but probably do, they are sneaky like that. on the box that pops up it says, this should only take a moment, but it takes a lot longer than that! Oh, it finally finished and low and behold, there was another version on here. Go figure. I always say that you need to be smarter than the thing you are trying to operate and that is true, which is clearly not the case here. Some how another version got put on my hard drive that I am at this moment eradicating off my hard drive. Again they say this will take a few moments, why can’t they be honest and say, this will take freaking forever or until you get annoyed and say to hell with it and leave it on your lap top. I am determined to get it off this time, though, so I will wait through their computer generated eternity just to get it gone!

I also have Windows8 on a non touch screen computer. Can we say HATE it?! I don’t have another OS to put on here or I would so fast it would make your head spin! I took off all but the most essential apps, that I need or use. Which honestly are not many. I have several cookbook apps, which I kept. So, I am hoping that I can say goodbye to AOL now. Not really holding my breath, but you never know! Ciao!

Advice to Others

Seems like there are tons of articles and books on how to make a relationship last. It seems to me that it would be pretty easy to know what you need to do, if not this post is for you! These are what I have found in my relationships from my past and current one. So here we go, my 9 tips for a lasting relationship.

1. Respect: This is first and foremost with any relationship, if the respect is not there, that relationship will not last.
2. Similar Values: While you can make relationships work with different value sets, I have found that to not be true with me. So, for example if you are a church going person, you need to be sure your SO (significant other) is one too. I am not saying that it will absolutely not work, because in my experience it has not, but I do know people who make it work.
3. Laugh Together: The more good times and funny things that you have in your relationship, the bad times when they happen will be easier to get through and it will also help you realize that the relationship is worth fighting for. For example: This is a conversation that happened between my Army Boy and I yesterday…

Playing WoW (World of Warcraft) Me: Can you take my Druid up to the Scarlet Monastery for the dungeon up there please?

Army Boy: Sure how far can she fly up there?

Me: Um, Ironforge ( which is not very far at all)

Army Boy: It’s going to be a loooooong run…..

Me: I know, I am sorry, she ( my druid) has not been here at all before.

Army Boy: Later in the run up… Okay, you can kill this guy…

Me: Um, no,it’s your job to be my taxi and the one that kills everything..

Army Boy: What are you going to do then?

Me: sit here and look pretty…

He cracked up and of course that made me laugh like crazy too…

4. Do Little Things for Each Other: When I was working at Kroger, my Army Boy had a nice hot bath running for me when I got home and would make dinner for me. When he got home from AT (Annual Training) for the National Guard, I had a welcome home dinner for him.. to show him  how much I missed him while he was gone!

5. Love Each Other: I know it sounds easy to do, but honestly loving someone when you are pissed off at them or annoyed with them is very hard! For example, when I have annoyed Army Boy, he will still rub my feet or back if I ask and sometimes if I don’t ask.

6. Talk/Listen to Each Other: This is truly the key to having a lasting relationship and perhaps the hardest part for people to do. Opening up yourself to another person is very hard, at least it was for me. I had to seek counseling about it because I was not able to do so. Listening to your SO is another key, no matter what they are saying is not easy as well. I always try to live by ‘ Say what you mean and mean what you say’. Be clear about what you are trying to say to your SO, they are not mind readers, if you want them to realize something, you need to state it plainly.

7. Fight Fair: This kind of goes with #6, if you do end up fighting about something that was said, do not pull out every single mean and nasty thing you can possibly say about your SO because honestly that will not get the issue solved and it will make it worse. I was in a relationship like that and it was so hard on me because I knew if we fought it would be brutal and I would shut down totally and not want to talk to the person. Say what you need to say, but find a non combative way to say it.

8. Apologize: If you said something that hurt your SO or you were wrong, 2 words can go a long way to making things right again. I’m sorry. Not the most easily said 2 words, but it helps soothe the hurts. However, do not over use because after a while it does not mean much to the other person. Also, no one likes to be wrong, and if you are apologize before it creates resentment in the relationship. I have been there and it sucks. The other person I am speaking of, never apologized ….EVER. It got to the point that I was resentful and lost respect for them.

9. A Little Understanding Goes a Long Way: Being understanding when your SO is having a bad day goes a very long way to keeping a relationship together. When I am not feeling well or I am cranky, Army Boy does what he can to help me through that time. I snap and bite his head off, but he realizes that I will be better soon and he loves me through it. It is not easy by any means…

So those are my tips for a lasting relationship… Have anything to add or disagree with it? Leave it in the comments..

Happy, Happy, HAPPY!!!!

One of my favorite comedians is Jeff Dunham, who actually is a ventriloquist. He has a puppet named Peanut and when I read the title to this entry I hear Peanut’s voice. It makes me smile. Yes, there is a difference between happy and HAPPY, at least there is in my mind anyway. Happy is when you are looking forward to the new day to se what like has in store for you, good or bad. HAPPY is when you have everything you need and realize for the very first time, that this is what life is supposed to be like. I am both happy and HAPPY today. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I would be both at the very same time. I was honestly aiming for happy and slid head long into HAPPY, which honestly, is just fine by me.

It took so long to find happy that I honestly did not expect to find HAPPY along the way. Happy was going to be a-okay with me. Life had other plans for me and I am so glad that it did! I love my life these days, of course, I gave up a lot to be both happy and HAPPY, but honestly I don’t miss a single thing. These days, I am laughing and smiling and finding inner peace I never knew I had. All because I made one change, okay really two and yes, they were kind of big, but I did not mind one bit.

The first change was that I got rid of people in my life who did not lift me up. It was hard, because I had been with some of these people for a long time. But it was time to move forward and I did. Yeah, it was scary leaving behind the known and setting sail for the unknown, but kind of thrilling too. I also moved to a place that made me happy. That was the BIG one. I left a place I had come to love for an unknown, untested place. It worked out splendidly actually and I am happy here and I totally love my new state.

I have a man who loves me, cherishes me, takes care of me, who will make a fool of himself to see me smile and laugh. Yeah, HAPPY is a great place to live these days. I am glad I took that scary leap and changed my life for the better. MUCH BETTER.

Life Goes On…

Lately I have been reminded of how I tend to leave things with people. The person doing the reminding is not really in my life anymore and I am just wondering why they have to remind me in the first place. I am of the mindset, that it did not work, we had our time and now it is time to move on. I certainly have and I am happy and all the more better for it. The thing about this that kind of pisses me off a bit is that I was in this person’s life for a number of years and they did not see fit to keep me or make me feel welcome there, so as I said things ended and I’ve moved on and it is time for them to do so as well.

I wish them no ill will, but it is time to get your big boy underoos on and be a man for once. I am tired of always hearing how it was always someone else’s fault that you did not get what you thought you deserved or how your mom messed you up. Cause in my mind, we all have our issues and it is time to rise above them as best as we can and MOVE ON. You are in your 40’s now it is time to grow up for once and quit acting like a child. Child times are over and done with.

Having said all this won’t change a thing, I know. Nothing will change in this person’s life and I know that I got all the blame for the relationship or what ever it was at the end ( cause, it was not a relationship in my mind, it was two people who knew it was not gonna work but too lazy or afraid to change it). That is fine with me. I don’t care if you told everyone you know it was my fault. I am happy now and living the life I was meant to live. So, my friend, here is some unsolicited advice, life goes on, and so should we.

Tired & Happy

Well, I made it through the two weeks without my Army Boy. Honestly did not think I would come out the other side of this better than when I started, but sometimes life plays tricks on us like that. He is due home sometime today and I am just hanging out at the house waiting. I missed him so much and I did not think I had it in me to get through this. These days, I find that I am stronger and better than I ever thought I would be. Is that because of him, partially. But it is because of me mostly. He gives me the confidence to go out and be who I am with no apologies. I like that. I like that a lot.

I have also found that I have courage that I never ever thought I would ever have. He does not ask me to change or try to make me. He loves me even on my worst days. Even when I am a total bitch to him, he still rubs my feet. I have never had that kind of love before. That is how I know that no  matter what happens he will be by my side and I know he supports me. He may not like what I do, but he is there when it goes to hell for me.

He may get on my nerves sometimes with his stupid jokes and I would not have it any other way. We have our issues like any other couple, but the difference is between what was before and what I have now, is that we talk about those issues and work through them. I am happy. I am loved. I know this beyond doubt. He is the first person that I want to tell anything to. He is the last thing I think about before I go to sleep every night. He keeps me grounded and lets me be crazy all at the same time.

I am happy he will be home tonight and I am in love with him. I can’t wait to see him! Gotta run to do some things. Ciao!

End In Sight

Army Boy will be home tomorrow sometime and I am so happy about that! Apparently we both have been having the same issues with him being away. Which I guess is a good thing. So, today is prep day for the welcome home dinner. I have to start making the twice baked potatoes and make the pineapple upside down cake. I also have to make the marinade for the steaks and get them in it overnight. There is also some other minor housework to be done. Honestly, this would all be not such a big deal if I did not have this migraine still. It’s like someone is stabbing me in the temple with an ice pick and not stopping. Ugh. I am going to have to take more meds for it again, just to get it to ease off so I can get this stuff done today.

The weather here was nasty last night. High winds, horrible storms. I think we have more of that in store for today as well. I am not sure but I think that we lost power briefly last night as well. I fell asleep early again which is why I am up at 6:33am EST posting this. I would give anything to sleep normally again. Hopefully tomorrow night that can be accomplished!

Okay, well I need to go take some meds now and hope they work at least some. Ciao!

The Saga Continues

So this morning Army Boy has to take a PT test. Now, if you remember I mentioned his knee was messed up and he had been on a profile that did no good for 3 days. A normal person would say, okay you can walk during the PT test so you don’t hurt yourself even more. However, the Army is not like that. He has to run in his PT test. RUN on a bad knee. After they knew it was hurt. Now, he is going to start the process to get into the VA for medical and such for him, however that might take months or even years to get done.

This is frustrating to say the very least when dealing with all this crap. I can see ways that they need to fix things, but I know because of what it is, it is never that easy. I hate sitting here and seeing all this crap when it would be so easy to just say, okay, we will get your knee fixed up.

I am so tired this morning. I have not been sleeping well again and I know it will be over soon. I have some stuff to finish today before Army Boy gets home. I am however, ready for him to be home for sure. I know he is ready to be home too. Well gotta run.. Ciao!

Yesterday/Today

I have had such a horrible migraine for the last 3 days now that I can barely do anything at all. I have so much to get done in the next three days before Army Boy gets back home, that I am not sure I will get it all done in time honestly. Yesterday I honestly fell asleep at 2pm. I slept until Army Boy called me at 10:30 last night because apparently he had been calling/texting all day and could not get hold of me. He was worried about me, when I answered I could hear the relief in his voice. He was probably just short of calling the cops to come and check on me.

I literally slept from 2pm to 10:30, after I talked to him I went back to sleep woke up at 1am to turn off the TV and slept until 5am. Now I can’t sleep but I still have this damn migraine. Sigh. Well, I am going to go try and find something eat. Ciao.

Rain, Rain Go Away…

Not that I really care because I did not have anything planned outside anyway. I have five days until Army Boy comes home. So, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel for sure. He and I have been chatting via text messages and phone calls since last Tuesday. Which helps me a lot with the separation. I can hear in his voice he is ready to come home too. Apparently they made a big deal out of how much he sleeps there. Like made him give blood big deal. Honestly, when he is  home, he does not sleep a ton. I think it is because he is bored there. He does not have his computer there, it is here with me at the house. He can’t really do much but hang out because they finally figured out he was not lying about his knee.

Let me explain that last statement a bit. Before he left the active duty Army, one day for PT they made him play basketball. He did not want to because he knew he might hurt his knee again and that is exactly what happened. He hurt his knee. He went to the sick hall and they put him on a profile saying that he can not run. They put him on pool PT as well. None of this helped. They did X-rays but never did an MRI on his knee. Basically the Army said, well he is getting out soon, we don’t have to do anything to help him.

So, when he got to Kentucky, in November 2012, he has been telling them that his knee is messed up bad. He failed two PT tests because of it. You would think that they would have been like, oh he has not failed a PT test in a very long time, maybe something is wrong here. No. They did not. So, here we are in May 2013 and the Army just now realized that he was hurt! So, in their wisdom, they put him on a three day profile of no PT. Yeah, that was 3 days ago and he has five more days to go. Sigh.

So, back to the blood work. Because they were freaking out because he was sleeping a lot! Well, they messed up his internal clock. He is bored. I would sleep all the time too! Anyway, I am happy that he is coming home soon. So, this week is going to be spent cleaning and doing laundry. The weather is perfect for this today, I have laundry going and the dishwasher running right now. I am very tired, I am not sleeping well at all. I finally fell asleep at like 3am, forgot to turn off the ringer on my phone and someone texted me and woke me up. Sigh. I finally fell asleep again at 5am and something woke me up at 10:30am. So, honestly we have skidded right past tired and slid head long into exhausted. I am going to attempt a nap soon. Although the FedEx guy is supposed to be here today with Army Boy’s new charger for his iPod. Sigh. I think the ink will be here Monday. Which is good.

I am also in the process of putting together another cooking blog. Moving recipes from the old one to the new one. I am almost done there I think. I made hot wings for lunch and they were delish! Not sure what is for dinner now. I might just order out. Not sure yet. It would be easier than actually cooking tonight. I feel like crap today. Well, I am going to run, got lots to do! Ciao!

Life is Full of Surprises!

When I woke today I was not expecting to have an email conversation with John, my ex. Not only was I not expecting to have this conversation, I was not expecting it to normal. See, for the last seven years we have done this kind of ‘dance’. He will email or call (right now he can only email me) and be nice for about a week or two until he gets to the point of asking me to come back and when I say no, he gets mad. For the next two weeks or so, he is angry in his emails. Then after that, it is silence for a usually undetermined amount of time, usually ranging from six months to a year. I guess it depends on how mad I have made him.

I dread these confrontations because I know what is going to happen every time. And right with that sentence is where I deviate from the path. I guess I let our past color how I see him. Okay, no guessing I do. Big time. The relationship that we had, of course had good times and bad times. It always seemed that the bad outweighed the good and when I could not stand it anymore, I left.

Since I left, he has been bitter and angry and he has every right to be because I was not innocent in all of this. I am to blame for our bad times too. The difference between us is, I am willing to take my blame and accept it. He was not at the time. He seems to be finally moving in that direction. It will take some time for me to say that he has actually done it because we have been here before as well.

Although today we were able to have a conversation in about 20 emails and not once was he bitter or angry, so that is progress made. I still won’t go back, but I would at least like to have a decent relationship with the guy. He was in my life for over 10 years. He is the father of my children. I struggle with letting him change because for so long he has not. It seems like he has, but it lasts for a short time then he is back to what he was. I learned the hard way that bitterness just consumes you and you have to learn to let it go.

Now when I think of him, I do not hate him. I do not harbor resentment, I don’t have any bitterness. I just feel sad for him mostly. Because he has let himself be consumed with anger and bitterness. We spoke about this today and because I did not want to push my luck too far, it was a short conversation. We spoke about my mother, who seems to not have changed one bit in seven years. Not that I think that she would, I had hoped.

I continue to pray for them both. It seems to have been working for John, but not my mother. I won’t stop praying for her or him, but I will not expose myself to their toxicity either. I have come too far to go back now. It was nice to be able to talk to John for once. Usually we end up fighting, but not today. Maybe he is changing. I hope so. Well, I am gonna run for now. Ciao!

Feeling Good

Army Boy is still gone and will be back on the 23rd. To say that I am excited is kind of an understatement! I knew before this separation happened that it would be hard on me. We had a long distance relationship before we moved in together.  For me, that was difficult but I was able to cope pretty well with that. It all changed when I went to see him in Georgia. I think for me, the relationship became ‘real’ at that point. Then it was extremely difficult for me to be apart from him. Once I got to Kentucky, it was for lack of a better word, ‘perfect’. Then he had Drill for 3 days out of town. Those were the longest 3 days! At that point, I did not yet have a cell phone and the kind of guy he is, he left me his so if I needed anything I would be okay.

Once I got my own phone things were better when we had to be apart. He went to California for 3 days before this trip and that was hard because he was so far away, but we talked a lot and I made him go because of a death in the family. He is glad he went now and so am I. I knew if he did not go he would regret it. Now we are at a 2 week Drill for Annual Training (AT). The first few days were hard because he did not have cell reception, so no texts or phone calls in or out. Then on Tuesday after a few days of major prayer on my part, they have cell reception! Things got so much easier now. 

Yesterday was a busy day for me! Very little sleep for me, I went shopping and got what I needed for the most part, although I apparently forgot a few things even though I had a list. I think it was because I was in an unfamiliar store. It seemed backwards to me somehow. I don’t know. I got everything home and in the house, let me tell you that was no easy task all by myself! I finally got everything put away, will be looking for things I am sure for a while, but I will move stuff around once I have some more space. Don’t get me wrong, I love our apartment, it is small, but it is good for us. My back and neck are giving me trouble tonight/this morning.

I fell asleep finally about midnight while watching National Treasure: Book of Secrets and woke up at 3am. Now I am wide awake, of course. Since our cable company Insight was bought out by Time Warner, they are making the change over now, because they officially take over June 10th. I don’t know if this is a good thing or not honestly. I  hope it is a good thing. Because they are changing things, programming wise, sometimes the box is fine and others I get error messages and such. Sigh. Just gotta ride this out.

I am a lucky girl because I have someone who loves me even on my bad days. He really is amazing and understand me well. I am so obnoxiously happy. So much so that I am making myself sick! Life for me is good right now. I am happy, I am loved, I feel safe. What more could I ask for? Not much really. I have been planning Army Boy’s welcome home dinner and I have everything set now. NY strip steaks, twice baked bacon and cheddar potatoes, garlic, butter & bacon green beans, and for dessert pineapple upside down cake. I am now making a list of what I need to do when to make sure I am ready for it. Logistically I am good. I am making some of it the day/night before so I don’t have to spend all day that he gets home in the kitchen.

Well, I am going to run and see if I can’t get the cable box to work right so I can watch TV! Ciao!

So Much Going On In My Head

Sometimes the reason behind my not being able to sleep is that I can’t get my brain to shut off. Although the last few days that has not been the case. I just don’t sleep well when my Army Boy is not around. He will be home tomorrow morning early! Yay! I have a special dinner planned for us and I can’t wait to see his face. I wish that I could say that is the only thing going on in my head today, but I would be lying and well, it would defeat the purpose of this blog and my life to lie to myself.

Today is my daughter’s birthday. The daughter that hates me because she listened to some things that other people told her that were honestly no business of hers. See, the thing is, the person who told her did it on purpose. Without getting into too many details, basically, she was told about things before she was born and when she was a baby that were said and done. Some of it not by me, but was attributed to me anyway. She asked me about it and I answered as much as I was willing to at that time, because honestly she was like 12 and I felt that she did not need to know some of that stuff. When I said that, she got mad and told me that I was lying and she knew the ‘truth’. Well, as we all know ‘truth’ is in the eye of the beholder.

She has not spoken to me since then, well except to call me names and such. While it hurt me, and still does, I had to let it go and move on. I am hoping that when the time comes and she wants to know the TRUTH, she will ask me. Until then, I wait. I am not sure if she will ever want to know the TRUTH or if what she was told she has accepted as the total truth. It has been hard on me today, but I am trying to move forward and get through this day with grace. Sometimes not the easiest thing for me to do. I love her and I can not force her to listen to me or believe me or even love me for that matter. So I wait.

Well, I gotta run, still have some stuff to finish up cleaning wise before my Army Boy gets home. Ciao!

Finding Balance, AKA Finding Yourself

For most of my adult life and honestly most of my life in general I have been trying to figure out who I am. Which when you grew up like I did is no easy task. Recently I have been also trying to find balance in my life. I realized that I can not have balance without knowing who I am. I guess depending on who you ask you might think I would know who I am. If you ask my Army Boy he would say that I have a big heart and that I am very loving. Which is true some of the time. If you ask my mother I am a selfish person who never thinks of anyone but myself and I guess to some extent that is also true.

I am both of these things and more. The thing is, I don’t know who I am. If you ask me, I would look at you and say, who do you think I am? A pretty good question in my mind. I lost myself around the age of 16 and never did find me again. If you ask some of my ex’s I am sure that I would be described as needy, bitchy, hateful, cold hearted, selfish, etc.. and I suppose all of those are me too in some ways. Finding balance for me is about knowing who I am and knowing what I want. I have begun lately to question everything about me. Not a really enviable place to be in my mind. I realized with some clarity that when I am with someone in a relationship, I tend to give all of me to that relationship and not hold back for me.

I have thought that I loved people in my past only to wake up one day and realize that I was wrong. Yet, I stayed in that relationship or what ever you would call it at that point, because it ceased being a relationship of anything good. I personally call it beating a dead horse. I would sometimes not give myself time to greave over the loss that I suffered, mainly losing me in that mess of a relationship. I would then find someone new and jump feet first back into something that I had no right or ability to be in. The whole vicious cycle to start over again, with another person. Always thinking that this time would be different or even better and I was always sadly mistaken.

The last year in Michigan, while I was living with someone, I would not call what we had a relationship. Some days I would call it mutually ambivalent about the truth. Other days it was mutual hate but too afraid to admit it was not working. When I left Michigan for Kentucky, I was ready. I had not had a serious relationship in the year that lead up to me meeting my Army Boy. Even after I met him, I was not looking for a relationship. He was someone that I played a game with and was fun to talk to. Period. Some where in the game playing and the talking, I began to take a chance and open up about me and who I am. First time in years that happened. I was amazed that he wanted nothing from me, NOTHING but my friendship. Which I had no problems giving because I could be friends with someone, but not let them inside my walls. I was a professional at that. Except, he would not accept that. Being friends with him meant that I had to show myself to him for who I am. All of it. No hiding. That was tough for me to do and even for me to accept.

I am still in the process of figuring me out. But I am not afraid of what I might find any longer because I know that he will love me no matter what or who I am. I have made some huge mistakes in my life and I can not take those back or change them. I live with them every day and wish I could fix it, but I have learned some hard lessons from those mistakes. I guess our mistakes in life is what makes us unique. What makes us, well, us. I am learning to live with the things I have done in this life, I am changing every single day into the person that I think I want to be. Balance is a work in progress.. and as people, we are like an unfinished painting, we are always changing, becoming something more.. That is what makes me, me. I am learning and loving again. Two things I never thought I would be able to do. Loving someone else is as hard as it is easy for me.

Forgiving myself for those past mistakes has been difficult to say the least, but I am moving on. It is time for me to fully embrace my present, I have a wonderful man who loves me for me, warts, mistakes, issues and all. He shows me everyday how much he loves me. Not in big things, but in all the little things he does for me. I strive to be worthy of that kind of love everyday and to return it without hesitation to him. That is who I want to be. I want to love my Army Boy with reckless abandon every day of our lives. That is the woman I want to be…

Ciao!

Pregnant

P.R.E.G.N.A.N.T. those letters put together the scariest word of all. My Army Boy is being amazing and he is thrilled to be a dad. For me, this is a scary time. I am scared of losing the baby. I am scared of being a bad mom. I am scared of so many things. In so many ways this is like a second chance for me to be what I know I am. I am a good person, I can be a good mom, I know I can. Now I have that chance and I am worried about messing up my kid. I am worried that I will not be what I think I am.

Raising a child is a big deal to me. I have two kids who hate me right now because I did what I thought was right for all of us. This is my second chance to be the mom I know I can be. The mom that I know I am. Fear can help me not make the mistakes that I have made before, but it can also paralyze me. My Army Boy will be a great dad for sure. I know that he will help me and be there. I have been praying because I know that with God I can do this. I am scared. I am worried. These will help me.

Well, I am going to run, Ciao!

Tuesday

I have to admit that today was both good and bad for me. Good because I know that by this time next week I will have my new bed. Can we say YAY!! Bad because I have had the migraine from hell and because I am pregnant I can’t take my usual medication for it. Sigh. I don’t have any Tylenol, which is all I can take right now.

I am excited about the new bed because I hate the one I have now. I am just really tired and in a lot of pain, so this is all for today. Ciao!

Today

Today has not been a great day for us. I am fine, but Army Boy got some news he knew was coming but it still frustrated him. In the National Guard as well as Active Duty Army, to get to go to school, you have to pass a weight and tape as well as a PT test. He failed the weight and tape today. The thing is we both knew he would fail, but it is still frustrating for him. So now he won’t be going to school for combat medic until sometime next year. Next month is the AT (annual training) which is two weeks long. I am not looking forward to that, but at least we both have cell phones and will be able to talk. I felt terrible for him today when he called and told me.

But as I said, he knew he would fail it today. The thing is that by next month if he works hard enough he could pass it. But they still pulled him out of line for school. The Army and the state of Kentucky both have suspended tuition assistance for the Army National Guard and Active Duty because of the federal budget issues. I have no words for this because I am so angry. This Administration has no respect or regard for the troops, both active duty and National Guard.I could go on and on, but I am not one to force my politics on anyone. Let’s just say that I am not impressed with the government right now and think that a lot of things need to change and quickly.

I am tired today. As usual. I need to run. Ciao!

Love Is

Before I met my Army Boy, I never really understood what love was. Getting to know him was the first time I discovered that I had never been in love with anyone. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true. Life is so much better for me these days. People used to tell me that I would one day be happy and I would understand true happiness. I used to laugh and say that I was not made to be happy. But I was and I am. I now understand what those people were trying to tell me.

I grew up in less that ideal circumstances, I have spoken about that as well. But I have found that I have risen above that. I am pregnant and I am happy about that. Looking forward to the second chance this is giving me. My chance to prove that I am a good mom, no matter what anyone thinks of me. People who know the situation with me and my kids in Florida, don’t understand how hard it is on me. How I wish it was different. But I have to play the hand that was dealt to me for now. Yes, some of it is my doing and I have to live with that every single day. I would never say that I am not responsible for my share of that situation, but I did what I did for the good of the kids.

Some people may not agree and some people may look down on me, but walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me on what you think I feel. I don’t always wear my feelings or emotions on my sleeve because sometimes it is just too painful. So, I may be smiling but inside is a different story. No one can judge me but God. I will answer for my sins and misdeeds then. I try to do right, sometimes it is hard. No one said life would be easy I suppose and mine has not been. It has gotten easier lately and I found my happiness finally. Do I have regrets and sorrows? Yeah, I do. A lot of them, but I have to keep moving forward with life.

I am loving my life and I am in love with my Army Boy. I am happy. I never thought I would say those words and mean them. But I do mean them.

So Much Going On

It has been so long since I have written here. So much has been going on with us. I finally got to order a new bed for us. Found a great deal on Overstock.com . It is a really nice bed, so much better than the one we have now. It was a lot cheaper than I had thought it would be, so that is always good!

BIG changes in the wind for us here. Army Boy and I are thrilled with them, a little scared too though. He is supposed to be away this summer for school with the National Guard here. It will be hard, because it is four months with him gone. I know I will get through this.

School is good. Life is wonderful. When I can talk about it more, I will. I gotta run for now. Ciao!

Life is Good.

The other day I ordered a wireless printer, it came with a 4GB thumb drive. In the same exact order I also ordered a couple of packages of paper for the printer. The printer came yesterday. The paper is supposed to be here today and well, the thumb drive will show up when it is ready I suppose. WTF?!?! It was all ONE order! Enough of my rant…

I am happy because now I can print/copy/scan what I need to. I did not realize that life would be difficult without a printer! The people where we live, at the Racquet Club are awesome, they have a  residents are with a copier and fax and the night monitors are pretty cool about letting you print something important.

Having our own printer is pretty great, although at this point of writing this, I have no paper. Sigh. I already set it up for wireless printing with my lap top and now I just have to set up Army Boy’s to print wirelessly. The printer itself was like $54 so that was good!! Yesterday I also got my slow cooker. I am thrilled, I totally missed having one of those since I moved.

Life is good. Things are great. Taking a 2 week break from school right now because I need one badly. But when I go back I will give it my all like I always do. I am close to graduation, so that is a plus.

I am so happy that I make myself sick. LOL. Well, gotta run. Ciao!!

Changes

Well, I recently quit Kroger, but I am working at another place now. I am much happier here and so glad I left the deli. It was really messing with the PTSD and I was exhausted all the time. School was suffering too. I am much happier now. Things are wonderful here and life is great! It is late and I need to hit the bed, I just wanted to update you all… Night.

Job and Stress

Well, I started my job and it has been a hectic couple of weeks!! It is hard working and going to school. I am so exhausted all the time, but life is good!! The job sucks, but it is money, so that is good. My PTSD is playing hell on me because of the stress from the job.

Things here are great and I am so happy. This is just a quick update and I am off again to finish some stuff here in the house. Have a great one!!

Catching Up

I got the job I applied for and all last week I was doing computer based learning. I have one more to go that I tried to do yesterday, but it was not cooperating with me! Life is good here and I am really happy! My Army Boy is off doing his National Guard thing this weekend, so I am alone. It was hard yesterday because it was so quiet, but today I am keeping busy by doing laundry and cleaning up. He will be back home tomorrow night and I have a great dinner all planned for us. I can’t wait!

He was a nice guy and left his cell phone with me because I am looking into getting a new one soon, apparently my carrier (Metro PCS) does not have a home area where I am now. So, I am changing because I need a local number. No big deal, I just have to wait for my second paycheck to accomplish this.

It is strange to have a job and go to school still, but I am trying to figure it all out. School is good, my next class is forensic psychology, which I am looking forward to! The weather here in my corner of the world has been rather interesting. Nothing that I can’t handle though. Mostly like Michigan. But sunnier some days. Yesterday was sunny but chilly. Kinda nice though because the sun was warm and I had the windows open for a while. I am only having to turn on the heat at night.

Life is great! I am enjoying it more and I am happy. A big change for me. I tried the new Greek yogurt from Dannon, you know the one that John Stamos is advertising… I had the peach today. It was good, but the consistency was strange for me. I had never had Greek yogurt before and if you are not ready for it, it’s THICK!!! Not sure if I like it or not. Army Boy had another kind the other night before he left and he said it was like eating sour cream and he was right, that is how I felt. I can understand why it would fill you up though, which would cause you to eat less. Where I am now has an indoor lap pool as well as an outdoor pool, a hot tub, a gym, tennis courts and a basketball court. No I have not been in the lap pool yet, but soon.

I have been walking more though, because work is within walking distance. When I get off at night, Army Boy comes up and walks  me home. I am going to run, I have laundry to finish and other stuff to get done. Ciao!

Update on Everything

I know I have not been here in a while, I have been busy. To begin with Christmas was good. Because it had taken so much to get me here, money wise, we skipped Christmas this year. It was fine and quiet. We just hung out and talked. My Army Boy has gotten me into WoW now and I am enjoying it. I applied at the closest Kroger and today I went in to do the drug test and get the background check started. Hopefully I will be working within a week or so.

Everything is great and I am really happy. School is going well. I am tired today because I did not sleep well at all last night, so a nap is in order today. Later!