So Much Going On In My Head

Sometimes the reason behind my not being able to sleep is that I can’t get my brain to shut off. Although the last few days that has not been the case. I just don’t sleep well when my Army Boy is not around. He will be home tomorrow morning early! Yay! I have a special dinner planned for us and I can’t wait to see his face. I wish that I could say that is the only thing going on in my head today, but I would be lying and well, it would defeat the purpose of this blog and my life to lie to myself.

Today is my daughter’s birthday. The daughter that hates me because she listened to some things that other people told her that were honestly no business of hers. See, the thing is, the person who told her did it on purpose. Without getting into too many details, basically, she was told about things before she was born and when she was a baby that were said and done. Some of it not by me, but was attributed to me anyway. She asked me about it and I answered as much as I was willing to at that time, because honestly she was like 12 and I felt that she did not need to know some of that stuff. When I said that, she got mad and told me that I was lying and she knew the ‘truth’. Well, as we all know ‘truth’ is in the eye of the beholder.

She has not spoken to me since then, well except to call me names and such. While it hurt me, and still does, I had to let it go and move on. I am hoping that when the time comes and she wants to know the TRUTH, she will ask me. Until then, I wait. I am not sure if she will ever want to know the TRUTH or if what she was told she has accepted as the total truth. It has been hard on me today, but I am trying to move forward and get through this day with grace. Sometimes not the easiest thing for me to do. I love her and I can not force her to listen to me or believe me or even love me for that matter. So I wait.

Well, I gotta run, still have some stuff to finish up cleaning wise before my Army Boy gets home. Ciao!

Finding Balance, AKA Finding Yourself

For most of my adult life and honestly most of my life in general I have been trying to figure out who I am. Which when you grew up like I did is no easy task. Recently I have been also trying to find balance in my life. I realized that I can not have balance without knowing who I am. I guess depending on who you ask you might think I would know who I am. If you ask my Army Boy he would say that I have a big heart and that I am very loving. Which is true some of the time. If you ask my mother I am a selfish person who never thinks of anyone but myself and I guess to some extent that is also true.

I am both of these things and more. The thing is, I don’t know who I am. If you ask me, I would look at you and say, who do you think I am? A pretty good question in my mind. I lost myself around the age of 16 and never did find me again. If you ask some of my ex’s I am sure that I would be described as needy, bitchy, hateful, cold hearted, selfish, etc.. and I suppose all of those are me too in some ways. Finding balance for me is about knowing who I am and knowing what I want. I have begun lately to question everything about me. Not a really enviable place to be in my mind. I realized with some clarity that when I am with someone in a relationship, I tend to give all of me to that relationship and not hold back for me.

I have thought that I loved people in my past only to wake up one day and realize that I was wrong. Yet, I stayed in that relationship or what ever you would call it at that point, because it ceased being a relationship of anything good. I personally call it beating a dead horse. I would sometimes not give myself time to greave over the loss that I suffered, mainly losing me in that mess of a relationship. I would then find someone new and jump feet first back into something that I had no right or ability to be in. The whole vicious cycle to start over again, with another person. Always thinking that this time would be different or even better and I was always sadly mistaken.

The last year in Michigan, while I was living with someone, I would not call what we had a relationship. Some days I would call it mutually ambivalent about the truth. Other days it was mutual hate but too afraid to admit it was not working. When I left Michigan for Kentucky, I was ready. I had not had a serious relationship in the year that lead up to me meeting my Army Boy. Even after I met him, I was not looking for a relationship. He was someone that I played a game with and was fun to talk to. Period. Some where in the game playing and the talking, I began to take a chance and open up about me and who I am. First time in years that happened. I was amazed that he wanted nothing from me, NOTHING but my friendship. Which I had no problems giving because I could be friends with someone, but not let them inside my walls. I was a professional at that. Except, he would not accept that. Being friends with him meant that I had to show myself to him for who I am. All of it. No hiding. That was tough for me to do and even for me to accept.

I am still in the process of figuring me out. But I am not afraid of what I might find any longer because I know that he will love me no matter what or who I am. I have made some huge mistakes in my life and I can not take those back or change them. I live with them every day and wish I could fix it, but I have learned some hard lessons from those mistakes. I guess our mistakes in life is what makes us unique. What makes us, well, us. I am learning to live with the things I have done in this life, I am changing every single day into the person that I think I want to be. Balance is a work in progress.. and as people, we are like an unfinished painting, we are always changing, becoming something more.. That is what makes me, me. I am learning and loving again. Two things I never thought I would be able to do. Loving someone else is as hard as it is easy for me.

Forgiving myself for those past mistakes has been difficult to say the least, but I am moving on. It is time for me to fully embrace my present, I have a wonderful man who loves me for me, warts, mistakes, issues and all. He shows me everyday how much he loves me. Not in big things, but in all the little things he does for me. I strive to be worthy of that kind of love everyday and to return it without hesitation to him. That is who I want to be. I want to love my Army Boy with reckless abandon every day of our lives. That is the woman I want to be…

Ciao!

Pregnant

P.R.E.G.N.A.N.T. those letters put together the scariest word of all. My Army Boy is being amazing and he is thrilled to be a dad. For me, this is a scary time. I am scared of losing the baby. I am scared of being a bad mom. I am scared of so many things. In so many ways this is like a second chance for me to be what I know I am. I am a good person, I can be a good mom, I know I can. Now I have that chance and I am worried about messing up my kid. I am worried that I will not be what I think I am.

Raising a child is a big deal to me. I have two kids who hate me right now because I did what I thought was right for all of us. This is my second chance to be the mom I know I can be. The mom that I know I am. Fear can help me not make the mistakes that I have made before, but it can also paralyze me. My Army Boy will be a great dad for sure. I know that he will help me and be there. I have been praying because I know that with God I can do this. I am scared. I am worried. These will help me.

Well, I am going to run, Ciao!

Tuesday

I have to admit that today was both good and bad for me. Good because I know that by this time next week I will have my new bed. Can we say YAY!! Bad because I have had the migraine from hell and because I am pregnant I can’t take my usual medication for it. Sigh. I don’t have any Tylenol, which is all I can take right now.

I am excited about the new bed because I hate the one I have now. I am just really tired and in a lot of pain, so this is all for today. Ciao!

Today

Today has not been a great day for us. I am fine, but Army Boy got some news he knew was coming but it still frustrated him. In the National Guard as well as Active Duty Army, to get to go to school, you have to pass a weight and tape as well as a PT test. He failed the weight and tape today. The thing is we both knew he would fail, but it is still frustrating for him. So now he won’t be going to school for combat medic until sometime next year. Next month is the AT (annual training) which is two weeks long. I am not looking forward to that, but at least we both have cell phones and will be able to talk. I felt terrible for him today when he called and told me.

But as I said, he knew he would fail it today. The thing is that by next month if he works hard enough he could pass it. But they still pulled him out of line for school. The Army and the state of Kentucky both have suspended tuition assistance for the Army National Guard and Active Duty because of the federal budget issues. I have no words for this because I am so angry. This Administration has no respect or regard for the troops, both active duty and National Guard.I could go on and on, but I am not one to force my politics on anyone. Let’s just say that I am not impressed with the government right now and think that a lot of things need to change and quickly.

I am tired today. As usual. I need to run. Ciao!

Love Is

Before I met my Army Boy, I never really understood what love was. Getting to know him was the first time I discovered that I had never been in love with anyone. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true. Life is so much better for me these days. People used to tell me that I would one day be happy and I would understand true happiness. I used to laugh and say that I was not made to be happy. But I was and I am. I now understand what those people were trying to tell me.

I grew up in less that ideal circumstances, I have spoken about that as well. But I have found that I have risen above that. I am pregnant and I am happy about that. Looking forward to the second chance this is giving me. My chance to prove that I am a good mom, no matter what anyone thinks of me. People who know the situation with me and my kids in Florida, don’t understand how hard it is on me. How I wish it was different. But I have to play the hand that was dealt to me for now. Yes, some of it is my doing and I have to live with that every single day. I would never say that I am not responsible for my share of that situation, but I did what I did for the good of the kids.

Some people may not agree and some people may look down on me, but walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me on what you think I feel. I don’t always wear my feelings or emotions on my sleeve because sometimes it is just too painful. So, I may be smiling but inside is a different story. No one can judge me but God. I will answer for my sins and misdeeds then. I try to do right, sometimes it is hard. No one said life would be easy I suppose and mine has not been. It has gotten easier lately and I found my happiness finally. Do I have regrets and sorrows? Yeah, I do. A lot of them, but I have to keep moving forward with life.

I am loving my life and I am in love with my Army Boy. I am happy. I never thought I would say those words and mean them. But I do mean them.

So Much Going On

It has been so long since I have written here. So much has been going on with us. I finally got to order a new bed for us. Found a great deal on Overstock.com . It is a really nice bed, so much better than the one we have now. It was a lot cheaper than I had thought it would be, so that is always good!

BIG changes in the wind for us here. Army Boy and I are thrilled with them, a little scared too though. He is supposed to be away this summer for school with the National Guard here. It will be hard, because it is four months with him gone. I know I will get through this.

School is good. Life is wonderful. When I can talk about it more, I will. I gotta run for now. Ciao!